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Great connection advice: how to get ?all a?s? in couples consultation - relationships


Mark Twain once said that he said it was "God's great cosmic joke on humanity when He essential men and women to live as one in marriage. "

When it comes to couples difficult to commune with each other, I have faith in old Mr. Clements was right on target.

Every day in my office, I watch men and women demanding to talk with each other. While from my chair I can absorb what each character is frustrating to say, often times the duo will look like "2 ships casual in the night" in their attempts to appreciate each other. And then I go home and do the same thing in my own diminutive at-home laboratory.

So let's look at how to go from flunking to being paid all A's in couples communication. The four courses (or A's) are: Assumption-Asking-Assimilation-Action.


We have all heard the maxim that to affect means to make an "ass out of u and me. " Did you also know that "assumption is the lowly form of knowledge?"

And still we do it every day with our partners. It happens in at least two ways:

1. "Since I know what I like and need, I'll give the same thing to my partner"

. "If my partner especially loved me, they would 'just know' what I want and need"

It's one of the main ways we flunk connect communication.


Let's blow a admired couples myth out of the water right now. You know, the one that goes "it doesn't count if I have to ask. " If that's true, then just how are we going to find out? I work with the minds of colonize all day long, but I still can't read them. Instead, I just ask lots of questions.

Here's a few that I counsel to detect how your partner sees and experiences the world:

"here's what I think you mean. Do I have it right?" "in order to feel the most loved, do you need to see it, feel it, or hear it?" "what does love look like to you" "what do you think is romantic?"

If you don't know, ask. You have to A-S-K to G-E-T.


For our purposes, digestion means to take the in rank you asked for and established and make it a part of your "working knowledge" of your partner. Using a mainframe metaphor, you need to fit the in order you have educated in your own brain.

Many folks get in agitate when they ask their partner for information, not recall to ensconce it, and then have to ask again and again. Whether deliberate or not, this sends the implication that you were not especially listening or interested, and/or that you don't certainly care. Yet a different accepted approach of flunking couples communication.


I apprehend this may sound too simple, but once you fit this stuff you have got to use it. Conscious what to do and doing it are not the same, they are very different.

Understanding is a good thing. We all like to be understood. But if it stops there, it stops too short of what's needed.

To get an A in this last part of couples communication, you have to put your appreciation into action, what I call putting "hands and feet" on what you know.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships. com for tips and tools for creating and emergent a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to augment your bond today, from association coach and practiced Jeff Herring.


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